I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
