She went from zero to smokin in five shots
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
