and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
