Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
