I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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