the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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