Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
