I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
