awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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