I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
