oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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