Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
3pm strippers are depressing
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
