I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
What changed your mind?
Being sober
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Randomize
