Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
