The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
My ATM looks so different sober.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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