Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
