Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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