She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
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