He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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