I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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