it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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