You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
