in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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