mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
