i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
