god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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