I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
