they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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