My hand turned me down
I've blown a few things in my day
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
