she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
