Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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