I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
