man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
