I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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