If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
