I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
