I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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