i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
