My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
