You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
