Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
