i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
