My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Randomize
