the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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