only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
