Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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