no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
