just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
