A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I woke up under a house in Key West
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