maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
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