I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
