u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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